Script.

It's weird how much I really do care about what people think of me. I always think to myself, "whatever, I just do whatever I want", and I do, but then I sit and worry how this person or that person views it and views me because of it. As if everyone in the world cares that much, and has as much time as I do to think about stupid little things. It's kind of sad, and I haven't always been like this. I think I really do just have way too much free time on my hands these days - I've become extremely anti-social the past couple months. I now not only leave most of my phone calls unanswered, I just leave my cellphone off the majority of the time. I leave many IMs unanswered. I rarely go out, and when I do it is usually with a very select few people.

I feel like I have fallen into a funk? My best friends moved away.. a year ago.. for college. I will have been officially single for a year in about six days. Life just seems very.. empty. Or something. As if part of me, or part of my life, is just missing. A huge void that I am really starting to feel is becoming more and more apparent everyday. I don't know what to do with myself. Everything I have ever looked forward to in life has kind of lost its shimmery, exciting appeal. I feel numb like never before, but in a different way than past moods.. I just feel utterly pointless. Like, I think, maybe it wouldn't be so bad if I died tomorrow. Not really suicidal thoughts or anything like that, I don't want to kill myself, but I almost just don't see what is worth living for anymore.

Is this what being alone does to people? Is that why every girl in the world ever is constantly chasing a boy and looking for a male of some sort to justify their lives? I have never really been that type of person - I have never been the type to seek attention, I didn't even really want a boyfriend in my last long term relationship. Yet I find myself wishing I was in love, or that I had some sort of exciting love - whether it be a male or a female, with a romance or a friendship. Life is very dry, and boring, and similar. Nothing new. No feelings last, no excitements are even semi-permanent anymore. Things I used to find so much joy in bring a smile to my face, but little else when it comes to emotion.

This was kind of a downer. I am leaving in a couple days for a nice little European vacation until mid-June, and though I cannot find much excitement within myself at this moment, perhaps I am just tired? I'm sure the excitement will hit me like a hammer on the 11 hour plane ride. Excitement and a fair share of nerves, apparently.

So I got the teacher assistantship position I applied for under my US history professor, which means I will be working closely with him for a semester and teaching a (small) portion of one of his lecture classes (US history up to the Civil War). Granted, US history is near the bottom of my list when it comes to areas/cultures/time periods I am interested in, but it's good experience for someone who may one day end up teaching history and it also looks great on transfer applications and the like. The problem with it is that it is for the spring semester of 2008, which is when Amy and I planned to be in Africa. Our plans aren't so definite that we have like, signed up for programs and purchased plane tickets or anything yet, but that was pretty much agreed upon as the perfect time to take the opportunity and go. I applied for both fall of 2007 and spring of 2008 for this position, thinking there was a much better chance for me to snag the position in fall, but.. apparently not. I'm really torn about what to do, since I have been really hopeful about getting the position and it such a good opportunity that I obviously wouldn't want to pass up, but at the same time, I have been looking forward to taking that year off and spending it in Africa for months now.. the plans have never been concrete but they are quickly reaching a definite point. Amy is completely committed, her parents are getting used to the idea, she has already discussed it with her academic adviser, so she is basically 100% there. I have discussed it with my parents some more, my dad is actually really not against the idea at all (though he is still not a fan of me taking time off of school) and I am completely devoted to the idea of going, so I guess the only thing really holding me back at this point is this assistantship. I fear I would regret passing up the opportunity to do it, but I also know I would definitely feel ridiculously regretful if I passed up going to Africa with Amy, and she is pretty set on doing it this next school year, or at the latest, next spring. I'm going to a luncheon at my professors' house next week where I will try to discuss perhaps changing the semester I do the assistantship, though I feel kind of bad because that may mess up his plans? I don't know. I guess I shouldn't have applied for spring of 2008, but I had no idea Amy would be so set on going in that certain time period. She is just kind of miserable with college these days and really feels that a year off doing this would be a seriously positive thing for her life at this point, and so obviously isn't keen to sit miserably through another year of school waiting for me to take advantage of my opportunities (nor would I want her to have to). To top it all off, I have to take this history class before I can attempt to teach any part of it (obviously) but have yet to do that. I'm sure anyone and everyone who has grown up going to most any US school in the nation has a pretty good grasp on pre-Civil War American history so it's obviously not going to be some sort of challenge, but I have to find a semester to get this class out of the way.. before spring of 2008 (or earlier, if I can manage to move to fall of 2007.. or later (but when?), whatever works out). So that is a whole other issue. I would take the class in May when it is offered during the first session of summer classes, but I will be in Europe for almost all of May and into June, right up until the second session of summer classes start.. and this class I need is only offered in the first summer session. Grr blah etc. This is tricky.

Somewhat unrelated, but growing up makes me really sad sometimes.

The only times I actually ever post anymore are the times that I am absolutely at the end of my rope when it comes to online-y things to do and I refuse to close my browser and actually work on my essay, call someone up, or attempt to have a life. Right now is such a time.

The semester is winding down quickly, more quickly than I seriously could have imagined - I only have three weeks left until I have completed my first year of college. Time flies like I can not believe. It feels more like a few months rather than a year since I graduated high school. It's actually pretty scary how quickly time is passing at this point. Will it be like this for the rest of my life? Years going by without me even noticing it? It really does feel like life shortens as you grow older.

Amy and I are seriously discussing taking time off school to volunteer in Africa, between ourselves and with our parents. I really feel like it's going to happen, though I'm not entirely sure when. She wants to take this fall semester and next spring semester off and go, but I have applied for a teaching assistantship for this coming fall semester, and if I can manage to snag a spot with that I definitely want to take the opportunity, so I am leaning more towards taking the next spring semester off and then staying for summer as well. That really makes more sense to me, we would be taking less time off of school and spending our summer doing something worthwhile. I guess we will have to discuss things (a lot) more. It's in the rough stages for now.

I went and toured San Francisco State University yesterday, driving from Manteca to Pleasanton and taking the BART to see how long it would take me to commute to the campus everyday - it ended up being about two hours, each way (yikes). I plan to do it though, unless I end up at UCLA instead, after we move and I transfer. My parents randomly bought a house this last week out in Manteca, right next to my uncle (dad's brother) and about two minutes from dad's work/my uncle's church. It is seriously about six zillion times better than the place I live in now, house-wise, location-wise.. everything-wise. We'll be moving about the time Lisa & I get back from Europe (second week of June). Anyway, SF State has a Classical Archaeology major I can't stop drooling over, though I am kind of torn over whether I should take Latin or Greek with it. Both are really tempting, but I am kind of leaning towards Latin. I love that I have a university so close that has this major - most colleges in California are really lacking when it comes to archaeology, especially classical. It is a definite plus that it is San Fran, too.. basically my second home, and one of my favorite places ever.

While I'm really really excited to finally be moving and being close to SF State and all, it has me thinking about all that I will be leaving behind in Modesto. Sure, Manteca is only a 30-45 minute drive from where I am now, but that is definitely a significant difference from how long it currently takes me to get to Amy's house, Jen's house, the Johansen area, where Shanny lives when she is in town, and so on.. those are about a five minute drive from me now. I am already detached enough from most of my close friends these days, as they are off at college, on opposite sides of the valley, opposite sides of the state, and opposite sides of the country.

I have a date on Monday night.. we're going to a Muse concert, randomly enough, as I have never really listened to Muse until tonight, after I hung up with him and hopped on Limewire to download as much of their stuff as I could. They're not bad, but I doubt they will ever be on the top of my list. Anyway more importantly, what do I wear to this thing?! And how do I avoid awkwardness on first dates? Haha. We have already hung out in our class/a bit outside of class and we get along really well & I am in the early stages of possibly really liking him, but I just can't stand those awkward little moments. I suppose it's just a part of getting to know/getting comfortable with someone? Gosh I am really kind of in love with his name. I haven't given anyone a chance after getting out of my last relationship, until now.. and I am almost kind of nervous.

The weather is really becoming fabulous, but it is making me miss those easy high school afternoons. I love spring. I love summer. I love my birthday. I can't believe I am almost nineteen, even though it is still really young.. it's old for me. I've never been there before. I'm excited.

Happy Easter everyone.